


Ghost of the Protector

by QueenHimiko



Category: Slayers (Anime & Manga)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-06-07 01:44:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6780205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenHimiko/pseuds/QueenHimiko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not even death could separate them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own "The Slayers," I just play in the sandbox.

It had been so long since Lina had traveled alone that her mind had a hard time grasping that he wasn’t there anymore. She would constantly find herself looking over her shoulder to tell him something, only to be crushed back to reality when she remembered he wasn’t there. But it was so hard to shake the feeling that he still walked by her side. It was where he had been for the last few years after all. And when she came down for breakfast each morning she was unable to shake her habit of looking for him even though she knew he wouldn’t be there. It was hard to break the routine. It was harder to eat alone.

She would still talk to him. She loved to talk and the silence seemed unendurable. So she talked, but no one answered. She wondered how she had dealt with it before she met him. Granted, she had traveled more populated roads then and ran into more people. Now she didn’t want people to see her so beaten down so she avoided them. And as she walked them, she would have paid all of the money in the world to hear him ask some ridiculously stupid question. 

“That sun’s getting low.” She said quietly. “I guess we should stop at the next town for the night. It shouldn’t be too much farther.”

The crickets started chirping in response. She brushed a hand through her hair as she found the silence to be infuriating. Even when Hellmaster had taken him she had been with friends who had distracted her from the chasm that had been ripped into her life. She also had the chance of getting him back. Now, he was lost to her forever, and there was nothing to take her mind off that fact. 

For a moment she flirted with the idea of traveling to Seyruun, but then she discounted it. She wasn’t ready to explain just yet. She wasn’t ready to announce to the world that he was dead.

Dead. The emotions bubbled within her at the mere thought of the word and her sight became blurry. She stopped in her tracks and took a deep breath. She couldn’t break down in the middle of the road like this! What if someone saw her? She took another breath without fully exhaling the previous, and then another, again without exhaling, until to her horror she realized she was panicking and hyperventilating. She was breaking down and she couldn’t stop it! She hurried off the road. There had to be a tree or a bush or something she could hide behind while she composed herself.

She tore through the foliage, taking pleasure in the destructive act as the leaves fell from the branches. Then she stopped in her tracks as she saw a group of ruffians. How had she not sensed them? Lina froze. Her face was red and tear streaked and she must have looked horribly vulnerable. That impression was confirmed as one of the men grinned vilely. “Well hello.” He said as he got out his knife and the sense of bloodlust wafted through the air.

_Well fine. I’ve been looking for someone to vent my anger on!_

“DIL BRAND!” Lina yelled, and the man was blasted away. But the others rushed towards her, and she felt unusually scared. She was used to fighting with Gourry by her side. So used to it that she wasn’t as confident as she used to be in her ability to take people on her own. Why had she ever let herself get so rusty? Why had she let herself need him so?

A man charged at her with a knife, but before he reached her he stopped suddenly. Lina blinked her eyes in confusion. “What the hell!?” he cried as Lina stared in disbelief as he started engaging in a strange dance as though struggling against an unseen attacker. The wind picked up and the smoky scent of oak wood tickled Lina’s nose. Gourry had always smelled of oak wood. She’d never understood why until she’d gone through his belongings. 

The spell she was chanting choked in her throat as the ruffian’s arm was snapped back until he dropped the knife. But there was no one there to snap it back! The other men looked at him in horror, the blood draining from their faces. The one who had dropped the knife backed away, and Lina thought she saw the imprint of a hand around his arm. But before she could be sure the ruffian yelled, “It’s a ghost!” and started running. One of the other men cried out as he was suddenly pushed back by something Lina could not see. He also went running, soon followed by the rest of the pack.

Lina stared at the knife on the forest floor, shocked. What had just happened? For a brief moment she felt a presence before her and the smell of oak intensified. _Gourry?_ She wondered, but she didn’t dare speak. Tentatively, she reached a shaky hand out, but as the smell of oak faded, no matter how far she stretched her arm, it touched nothing.

* * *

Clad in her pajamas, her hair still damp from her bath, Lina sat at the edge of the bed and gazed at the tiny wood statue. She had often wondered what Gourry did in his room late in the evenings or while taking watch considering she’d never seen him read a book. Considering they’d been together so long she was surprised she’d never found out about his hobby until she was going through his things after he’d died and had found a bag full of carvings, along with a set of knives and some oils for sealing. 

When she’d spread them over the blanket she was stunned to find that, with the exception of a few carvings of swords and jellyfish, most of them were of her. There was one of her standing proud and confident, another of her with her glasses perched on her nose and book on her knee. Others depicted her eating or laughing while one carving even included her battling a lake dragon. Two had been carefully wrapped in cloth to protect them. One of them was of her with her arms raised high containing the Giga Slave. The other was her visage, wearing a dress, encased in a heart bordered by an intricate series of love knots. 

Lina had cried so long and hard after she had found them she feared she would never be able to stop.

Why had he never told her? Why had she never told him? Sure, they had been affectionate with each other. Sure they’d said it in roundabout ways. But never directly. Why?

She fingered the knots and felt the pressure rise in her chest again. After her encounter with the ruffians she had sought a bandit camp and attacked. As soon as they had started to fight back, the invisible fighter returned once again and the smell of oak became pungent. But as soon as the camp was subdued both the fighter and the smell were gone. Lina wondered if she was losing her mind due to her grief.

She clasped the carving to her chest and inhaled deeply. “Gourry?” she asked.

Silence. And no sense of a presence. She squeezed her eyes tight as the pain asserted itself, along with the thought that she was being silly. The smell of oak tickled her nose, but she knew it was from the carving. _He’s gone._ She told herself. _You need to get over it._

And then the grief washed over her and she wondered if this was something that she ever could get over.

* * *

Lina had not wanted to go to Seyruun. She hadn’t wanted to explain over and over again where he was and how she had lost him. But she needed to talk to Amelia. She needed to find out why, whenever she was attacking bandits, or being attacked by bandits or, in one case, a Mazoku, a ghostly presence would come to defend her. And why the only time he was there was when she was in danger. Night after night she spent in fruitless attempts to reach him. She’d tried endless spells to no avail. 

While she had been worried she was going crazy, the evidence was just too overwhelming. During a bar fight in one town all of the patrons were spooked by the spirit. She was definitely not the only one who noticed him. And she was certain it was Gourry. Who else would be so devoted that even dead he would come back to defend her?

But she couldn’t talk to him when she was fighting off enemies. She couldn’t tell him everything she needed to. And she had so much to say. His death had happened so quickly she hadn’t even had time to say goodbye.

Tepidly she walked up to the palace. “Miss Lina Inverse?” one of the guards said as he spotted her. Lina’s stomach twisted with anticipation. “But where’s Mr. Gourry?”

Lina had been completely unable to say it out loud. Her hands clenched into fists as she gathered every ounce of composure as possible, “I need to see the princess, Amelia.”

The guards exchanged a look, “I’ll send for a page.”

Lina nodded, but didn’t trust herself to say anything further. She looked onto the palace lawns as she waited. Finally the page arrived and took her through the labyrinthine palace and led her into Amelia’s chambers. “I’ll summon Princess Amelia.”

Lina relaxed a little when she was finally alone in Amelia’s plush apartments. Mechanically she sat on the couch and wondered how long Amelia would be. It ended up not being too long. In fact, it was only a matter of minutes before Amelia burst in, “Miss Lina! What an unexpected surprise…”

Her voice trailed off as she took in Lina’s demeanor, her puffy cheeks and uncharacteristically morose expression. Not to mention the fact that Gourry wasn’t there. “Oh no.” Amelia gasped, “Is it that bad?”

Lina lowered her head and dug her fingers into her knees. “As bad as it gets.” She finally managed to say.

Amelia put her hand to her chest as she shut the door behind her and moved to sit beside Lina, wrapping her arms around her and pillowing her head on her shoulder. “What happened?”

Lina sniffed and fought to keep her voice from breaking, “Would you believe it was one of those damn hemnid scorpions?”

“Oh Miss Lina…”

“I mean, dammit, the idiot had survived Mazokus, bandits and my temper. Part of me felt that even if he was badly hurt he would be too stupid to know how to die. And with his senses, I mean, something about him seemed invulnerable. I guess it takes an idiot scorpion to take down an idiot swordsman.”

Lina stopped and put her hand to her mouth as tears started to leak from her eyes, “It was just so senseless.”

“I’m so sorry.” Amelia whispered as she squeezed her into a sideways hug.

Lina took a heaving breath as the sobs shook her body. She wasn’t used to crying like this in front of others and she hated it, but she also couldn’t stop. She couldn’t stop thinking about looking up from her book while they had been camping out because he had cried out. How by the time she’d reached him he was already turning blue and seizing due to the swiftly lethal venom the scorpion carried. Before she could even think of something to do he was dead. It had all happened in a matter of minutes!

Amelia rubbed her back as she struggled to regain her composure. It seemed to take hours for her to pull herself together, but she was sure her sense of time was just badly warped. At last she got to a point where she trusted herself to speak. She just wasn’t sure she was going to want to hear Amelia’s answer. 

“Amelia, I’m here because something strange happens whenever I fight now. An invisible presence starts to fight my attackers. And it smells just like him! Like oak. And then as soon as the fight is over he’s gone. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s him. I know it’s him. But I don’t know why it’s happening!”

Amelia gasped as she put her hand on Lina’s knee, “I have an idea.” She said as she wiped her eyes with her other hand. “I would have been surprised if this didn’t happen actually.”

Lina felt relieved that Amelia believed her and that she seemed to have an explanation, “Why?”

“Just one minute.” Amelia said, and then she got up and started digging through her belongings. She got out a crystal and explained as she put it over her eyes, “This allows me to see your astral body.”

Lina sat, feeling unusually nervous as Amelia examined her. Amelia put the crystal down, an inscrutable expression on her face. She sat down beside Lina and grabbed her hands, her expression rather solemn. “Your astral bodies are tightly tuned with each other. More than anyone else’s I’ve seen.”

Lina frowned, “What does that mean?” _Is he here beside me?_

“It’s rare, but there are a few other documented cases. Mr. Gourry made it his life’s work to protect you. And like a lot of people who die, when they still have business in this life, they have difficulty crossing over. Now most ghosts haunt the places they died at obviously. But since Mr. Gourry’s astral body was so tuned to yours, well, you serve as an anchor for him in this world. And whenever you’re in danger, it pulls him back into this life.”

“But what does this mean?” Lina asked, “I mean, what about when I’m not in danger? Is he here now?”

Amelia shook her head sadly, and Lina felt a bit stricken as it occurred to her that Amelia, who adored romantic crap like this, was not gushing, “No, he’s in between worlds.”

Amelia squeezed her hands, “I’m sorry. The only time he can make it back to this world is when you are in danger. And there’s no way to stop him from coming back when you’re in danger.” 

Lina was quiet for a moment. And then a foolhardy hope grasped her mind, “But if I serve as an anchor…what if there was a way to heal his body and get him back into it?”

Amelia squeezed Lina’s hands and said quietly, “Remember Halciform.”

Lina felt as though she had been kicked in the gut with Amelia’s admonishment. And Amelia was right. She was going to have to let him go. But how could she when he would come back into her life the moment she was in danger, which for her, was rather often?

It was like being shown a diamond she could not touch, forever slightly out of reach, but continually teasing her with the promise of what could be. As if she wasn’t already reeling from all she had lost! Talking didn’t seem possible anymore. The grief was too overwhelming. And it must have been showing because Amelia pulled her into a hug, “I’m so sorry, Miss Lina.”

But then another idea hit Lina. One that she didn’t dare share with Amelia as she clung to her while Amelia repeated over and over, “I’m so sorry Miss Lina, I’m sorry I can’t do more.”

But Lina started to feel calm. She was going to talk to Gourry. She was going to do this on her own terms. And she would tell him everything she hadn’t been able to before.


	2. Chapter 2

As soon as Lina got to her chambers, she did what she had done every night since Gourry had died. She took out the bag containing the carvings and quietly, one by one took the carvings from the bag. The one of her reading a book. Another of her staring ahead, looking for adventure. Still another of her eating. And so on. One by one she sat them on the ground until they formed a circle around her. With the exception of when she was fighting, it was when she felt the closest to him. Yet the smell of oak and countless of carvings was a poor substitute for what she had lost.

She dug her fingers into her knees as she considered what Amelia had said. If she was in danger, he would come back to help her. She knew his ghost had the power to affect this world. He could take weapons from people, engage in fist to fist combat, and even hurl some sort of energy that affected Mazoku. And if he could intervene when it was someone else trying to harm her, then there wasn’t any reason why he couldn’t if she were trying to harm herself.

Her breath caught in her throat at what she was thinking. Even in the worse throes of grief she’d not considered killing herself. And even now it wasn’t what she wanted. No. What she wanted was to talk to him. Desperately. Her heart started accelerating at the thought of being able to speak to him again, of being with him when she wasn’t being attacked by others. Of feeling his presence when she was alone and could tell him anything and everything. It was crazy, but then, the situation was crazy. If it didn’t work she was going to have a hell of a time explaining it to whoever found her. That was, if she even survived the attempt. But if it did work, she could finally talk to him, tell him…

That was all the incentive she needed. Without sparing another thought, she unsheathed her sword and turned the blade against herself, driving it towards her stomach. The scent of oak asserted itself as she felt a pair of invisible hands over hers. Very large hands that seemed to swallow hers as they pulled the knife away from her. Tears fell from her eyes as she drove the sword to herself, desperate the keep the connection.

“Gourry?” she choked.

_Stop this!_

Tears gushed from her eyes. It was his voice! She’d never thought she’d be so lucky to hear it again! “How can you ask that of me now? When this is the only way I can talk with you?” she asked, as she fought against his pull on her hands, while his grip tightened.

She felt the press of something against her forehead. Like the imprint of his own head resting against hers. _Damn, I shouldn't have said anything! Lina, I want you to move forward._

“I can’t. Not until I’ve told you…”

_I know._ He said, and the felt the whisper of a caress against her cheek.

“I love you. I miss you so much, I can’t even…I can’t understand why…”

She could feel his lips brush against hers. _I love you. And I will always protect you. Just stop doing this to yourself. Goodbye._

And the sword was torn from her grasp and hurled across the room where it hit the wall with a clatter.

His presence evaporated. A rage filled scream tore through her throat as she realized she had lost him again. She had thought telling him would bring her closure, but by getting to talk to him, to feel him, to exchange those displays of affection, it only left her wanting more!

Lina slammed her fists against the floor and several of the carvings fell with a clatter. She was determined to tear across the room and grab her sword to get him back when someone knocked. “Miss Lina?” Sylphiel asked.

Lina felt as though she had been dowsed with cold water. “It’s not a good time.” She spat.

“Please, can I come in?”

Lina ran a hand through her hair. “Come back later.”

Sylphiel tried the door but Lina had locked it, “Please, I heard you screaming, I heard a crash. I can sense something is wrong. Please let me see that everything is okay.”

She did not want Sylphiel to come in and see her like this, so disheveled, her face tear stained and surrounded by Gourry’s carvings. She didn’t want to explain why her sword was across the room and why the wall was dented from it. “I’m fine. Come back later.”

“Please, I just need to see you’re okay. I need to see that you’re not going to hurt yourself.”

Lina chuckled wryly, “Even if I wanted to, he wouldn’t let me.”

* * *

Later, when she had achieved some degree of calmness and had scrubbed her face, Lina knocked on Sylphiel’s door. The other woman looked relieved to see her when she opened it. “Miss Lina, please come in.”

Lina did and then sat on the couch she indicated. Lina waited tensely, wondering what it was that Sylphiel wanted as she sat down opposite Lina. “Can I get you anything?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Are you?” Sylphiel asked, and Lina squirmed under Sylphiel’s piercing gaze.

Lina looked away. “Is there a reason you wanted to see me?”

Sylphiel nodded. “I want to know where he’s buried.”

Lina exhaled. They had been camping in the middle of nowhere when it had happened. After he had died, she had lost track of how long she sat cradling his lifeless body. Only that when she finally worked up the resolve to move her own body was so numb it was painful. And then she was faced with two options. Build a grave in the middle of nowhere by herself, or Ray Wing to the nearest town and have him buried there.

“In the Eurydice Forests.” She said. “We talked once.”

Lina stopped abruptly. She couldn’t explain that conversation without breaking down. And she couldn’t explain it without hurting Sylphiel. It had occurred after a close call followed by a few beers in the inn afterwards to shake it off. For some reason they had both gone to her room and proceeded to have a long, intimate conversation about what they wanted should they die. 

Lina thought about how they had cuddled in her bed together, how they could be intimate without ever confessing their love. It was the strange paradox of their relationship. Perhaps they loved each other so strongly that saying it was terrifying acknowledgement of what they stood to lose? 

But then there were the times when he would say it without saying it. Like that night, when he explained that he had met her on a road in the forest and built his life around following her. And so that was he wanted to spend eternity in a forest. Not in some unknown town.

“Can you take me there?”

Lina shifted uncomfortably. She had begged Amelia not to tell anyone about Gourry’s ghost. But then Sylphiel was a priestess herself, and was likely privy to the same information Amelia was. It was possible she may have already suspected. But even if she didn’t, it would be impossible to travel with her without Sylphiel finding out. And Gourry’s ghost wasn’t something that Lina wanted to share.

When the silence stretched out for too long Sylphiel spoke quickly, “You don’t have to decide immediately. I’m sorry. I’m intruding.”

“No…” Lina started, but Sylphiel cut her off.

“Miss Amelia said that he had told you he wanted a small remembrance among his friends and that you’ll be staying here until Mr. Zelgadis arrives for it.” Sylphiel stated.

“Yes…” Lina said slowly. Amelia had wanted to have a huge public service befitting a knight who had saved Seyruun, but Lina had put a stop to it. It had been another discussion she and Gourry had had that night. The idiot was so noble he felt that having such a pompous ceremony would take away from his stance of doing good for its own sake. Instead he just wanted a small gathering among his friends.

“I won’t trouble you again about it until then.” She said. “But, Miss Lina, did he have any family?”

Lina laughed a little, “Sometimes it just seemed as though he sprung from the ground fully formed one day, doesn’t it?”

Sylphiel looked at her for a moment, “But surely…”

Lina shook her head, “He didn’t like to talk about it, and it distressed him so much that I never pressed. Something very bad happened, bad enough for him to cut off all contact with them. When I asked he just said that if his family heard he was dead they would probably want to come up to dance on his grave.”

“Oh.” Sylphiel said softly. 

“Is there anything else?” Lina asked tensely. Any minute she felt as though she was going to break down again, and if it was going to happen, she wanted it to be somewhere private.

“Are you planning to keep on traveling?”

_That is the question._ Lina sighed and got up. “I have to go.”

“Miss Lina…”

Lina walked out. In many ways, giving up the road would be for the best. On the road she was constantly reminded that he wasn’t there. Further, she was often attacked and found herself in life threatening situations where he would appear. How was she ever going to move on if he kept popping up, sometimes on a daily basis?

She could go home, see her folks, and since she had never traveled to Zefiel City with him, she wouldn’t constantly be reminded that he was gone. And if she lived a quiet life there, then she wouldn’t be attacked regularly, and she wouldn’t see his ghost. She could go home, finally open that magic store, and move on with her life.

But then, she would be moving on with her life and away from him. She would be closing the door to him. And she had a very accessible door to him. And while logically she knew that going home and moving on would be what he would want and would be the best thing for her, she wasn’t ready to give him up yet.

If ever.

She got into her room and closed and locked the door. She took off her mantle and, without giving it a second thought, she grabbed her sword and put it to her throat. In a flash he was there, pushing her arm from her neck, arguing with her. But she even missed the arguing. 

_Stop this! Stop this!_

“Don’t go! Please, don’t go!”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, no. I'm not done making you cry. You have been warned.

When Lina woke the next morning, she swiftly grabbed the sword from her nightstand and brought it to her wrists, desperate to feel his presence once more before she started her day. She gasped in relief when she felt his hand over hers, pulling the blade away from her as she urged it closer. “Morning.” She said.

He was silent.

“Gourry?” she asked, stricken.

Still no sound. No caresses. Just the feel of his hand pulling her sword away from her. Then he wrenched it from her and threw it across the room.

“No!” Lina yelled as she got out of bed and grabbed the sword again. Once she had it, she turned it to her stomach, driving it down for a killing blow, and he was back. “I’m not going to stop until you talk to me!”

Still nothing. He took even less time to force the sword from her hands this time. When she tried a third time, she barely got a sense of his presence before he knocked it from her hands. “Gourry you jellyfish brained idiot!” she screamed, “Don’t you dare do this to me!”

No one responded. But then, she wasn’t in danger. Lina took a deep breath and looked around her room. If he thought that being silent was going to stop her, he had another thing coming.

* * *

Lina hadn’t even stopped for breakfast. She simply stormed out of the palace and through the streets of the capital until she reached the outskirts of the city. There was a ravine close by. It was far enough away from both the city and the road that no one would see her. She walked swiftly, her face stony and set. Anyone who did cross her path quickly got out of the way.

She got to the ravine and traveled down, away from the road and the city. And, once she was certain no one would come across her, she walked straight to the edge. She took one glance at the steep drop. The summer had been harsh and the river that flowed was rather low. It was nice and rocky below. If nothing stopped her, she would likely die on impact. 

Lina took a deep breath. She jumped. She felt his arms wrap around her and she closed her eyes as he carried her back to the cliff. “Talk to me.” She whispered.

But, without so much as a word, as soon as she was back on the cliff he was gone. Lina growled and ran off again. He caught her, but this time rather than setting her on the cliff, he gently saw that she reached the bottom of the ravine. Lina was annoyed that he still wasn’t saying anything, but at least she got to feel his arms around her once more in a way she never thought would happen.

“I’m not giving up!” She said as he sat her down. “LEVITATION!”

She flew up, up, up. She soared so high into the air that she surpassed the height of the cliff by three times. She closed her eyes, and canceled her spell. Her stomach seemed to disappear as she dropped, but then he caught her. “I’m not giving up!” she said again.

He held her, suspended in air, and it occurred to Lina that this was better than holding a sword to herself. He was embracing her lovingly, not fighting her pull. And she didn’t have to focus as much on dealing a fatal blow to herself to keep the connection. She was able to focus more on what she wanted to say.

_How do you think I feel, seeing you drive swords to your body and jumping off cliffs?_

“Idiot, I don’t have a death wish.” She said, “I know you’ll stop me! I just want to talk to you!”

_Lina, is this really how you want to go on living your life?_

Lina’s irritation flared, “You sure seem eager for me to move on! Enjoying your after life away from me?”

 _Don’t think that for a moment._ He said gently as he caressed her hair, _Look, when you’re not in danger, all I see is a bright light that I can’t reach for some reason. Time moves differently. A bright light. Suddenly I’m pulled to help you. Bright light again. It seems like minutes since I died, so I guess it's easier for me because the times I'm without you don't seem that long. I mean, I don’t even know how long it’s been for you._

“A month.” Lina said bitterly. “And five days.”

He caressed her again. _It’s horrible, that I can only see you now when you’re in danger, and I hate that I can’t be with you all the time. I hate that I only get to see you now when you are in danger. But at least I can still help you, so I can accept it. But seeing you try to harm yourself, even if you know I’ll stop you, knowing that you’re so miserable that you’d rather try to hurt yourself to see me than move on. I just can’t stand seeing you doing this to yourself!_

“What would you do in my case? This is the only way I can reach you! And since I have that power, I’m going to use it!” She reached her hand out and felt it connect with something solid that she hoped was his cheek. Tentatively she stroked it, “Look, we can be together like this. You can hold me, I can hold you. We can talk. How can you ask me to give this up? Or do you really want to move on that badly?”

_Lina, no. But are you wanting to spend your life throwing yourself off cliffs to talk with me?_

Lina felt tears pool in her eyes, “No. But it’s better than not having you at all.”

_Lina, I fell in love with you because you lived life so fully. I can’t stand the thought of you giving that up to be with a ghost. Even if the ghost is me._

Lina felt an agonizing pull in two directions. Deep inside she knew he was right. She snuggled closer to him, and all she wanted was to take a nap, curled in his arms. But then, what if she could delay the conversation? “Just until the remembrance?”

_When will that be?_

“Whenever Zel gets here.”

He squeezed her reassuringly. _It sounds like a deal. But it stops after the remembrance._

“I know.” She thought for a moment. He didn’t have to know she was stalling, “Do you want to speak at it? Say goodbye to our friends?”

_I don’t know. I kind of think ghosts shouldn’t speak at their own funerals._

Lina laughed a little and decided to change the subject, “Kiss me.”

* * *

_When was the last time you ate?_

Lina inhaled his scent and closed her eyes as the breeze swept over them. How long had she stayed with him, suspended in air on the outskirts of Seyruun? She’d lost track. “What does it matter?”

_Because you need to eat._

“It’s when I miss you the most.” She replied.

_Which is why I need you to eat. To make up for all the good food I’m missing._

“Can we talk about something else?” Lina asked.

“What the hell?” Zelgadis cried.

Lina stiffened. Where had he come from? And what was he doing here so early? Surely there hadn’t been enough time for Amelia’s letter to reach him and for him to make it back to Seyruun. It had only been four days since she arrived here herself!

And what a sight she must have been, suspended from midair, her arms posed around her invisible lover while she talked to the air.

“Zel?” Lina asked as she turned red with embarrassment. And rage. If Zel was here, that would mean the remembrance would follow, and sooner than she had planned. Much sooner than she wanted.

Gourry slowly took her back to solid ground and stood her beside Zelgadis. _Make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid._

“Gourry?” Zelgadis asked as he looked for the source of the voice. “But where…”

Lina’s head felt heavy as she looked over where Gourry had been and felt his presence vanish. Her rage boiled over and she curled her hands into fists and shoved them onto Zelgadis’ chest. “What the hell are you doing here?” she screamed. “Do you know what you just did?”

Zelgadis reddened, “No, I don’t. What’s going on?”

Lina fought to contain herself. But the desolation she felt whenever his ghost left hit her, stronger than ever. Gourry had been there, holding her. But it was only a taste, a teaser of what she had had. What she never would have again. The longer she spent with his ghost, the more she tried to outrun that fact, but the closer it came to tackling her. “You…did you get Amelia’s letter?” she asked, her voice quavering.

“No.” he said, “I was on my way to Seyruun because I heard about a manuscript when I heard you talking and sensed something was wrong. I thought I could help.”

Lina sank down to her knees and grabbed a fistful of dirt with both hands as she started sobbing while Zelgadis made a strange croaking sound, “Oh no, he’s dead, isn’t he?”

He knelt down beside her and put a hand on her back, “Lina, why did I hear him?”

Lina managed to pull herself together long enough to explain, “Because I can talk to his ghost under the right circumstances!” She spat and hoped he wouldn’t ask how. “Now go away so I can get him back!”

“Lina, if he’s dead, you’re not going to be able to get him back.” Zelgadis said in a tone that was probably harsher than he meant.

Lina saw crimson as she punched him away from her. “Go to the palace, and tell Amelia you love her while you still can and leave me the hell alone!”

Zelgadis got up and dusted himself off, looking caught between aggravation and sympathy. He looked at her, and Lina felt unusually self-conscious. “Don’t worry.” She muttered, “I’m not going to hurt myself.”

He didn’t look completely convinced, but he sighed nonetheless, “Lina, I’m very sorry for your loss.” Lina shut her eyes as he continued, “And you look like hell. When was the last time you ate? Or slept?”

“Mind your own business.”

“Gourry asked me to take care of you.” Lina squeezed her eyes shut as Zelgadis continued, “I guess now it’s the last thing he’ll ever ask of me.”

“Don’t do this to me, Zel.”

“Help me honor his last wish. Let’s get you back to the palace.” He sighed, “I mean, if Amelia hears I left you here, she’ll take me apart.”

Lina sighed. But if she was honest with herself, she was too tired and hungry to fight. Reluctantly she got up and followed Zelgadis. They didn’t say much as they traveled back to the palace, but Lina was starting to feel the effects of hunger more and more. When had the last time she’d eaten been? Just how long had she spent, suspended in air, talking to her ghost? 

But somehow, even she when returned to the palace, she couldn’t bring herself to eat. She promised Zel that she would have something as soon as she woke up, that she was simply too tired to eat at the moment. And she was tired so he bought it. 

She was relieved when she got to her room and Zelgadis left. She closed and locked the door behind her and resisted the urge to grab her sword. Instead she removed her shoulder guards and boots and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror as she did. She gasped when she saw her reflection. Zelgadis wasn’t kidding when he had said she looked like hell. There were dark circles around her eyes and her face was becoming gaunt. She looked to be practically at death’s door!

She took a deep breath and crawled into bed. Sleep would help. When she woke she found a note under her door declaring that the remembrance would be at sunset. And then, forgetting her promise to eat, she donned her boots and shoulder guards and headed straight for the outskirts of town to talk with her ghost.

* * *

“It’s almost time.” Lina said quietly as she cuddled closer to her ghost. She squeezed his hand as he held her, suspended in air.

 _What are you going to say?_ He asked playfully.

She smiled, “You’re the one who said people shouldn’t get to hear their own eulogies.”

 _Did I?_ She felt him kiss her forehead. _You know, after this, it’s going to have to stop. You’ll have to move on._

Lina felt her stomach knot. She still wasn’t sure that this was goodbye. But she wasn’t going to tell him that. She didn’t want to fight. “I know.”

_I’ll try to intervene in the future only when it’s very bad. I should have done that from the beginning, I just couldn’t help myself._

“Shh.” She hissed, “If you’d have done that, we wouldn’t have had this time together.”

He stroked her hair as the sun sank low in the horizon. _It’s time, Lina._

She felt something shift in her stomach as he started to maneuver her to land. She’d had to do a lot of hard things in her life, but this was by far the most gut wrenching. “I don’t want it to be!”

_Me neither, but it is. And I know you’re strong enough to do this. That’s why I love you._

She squeezed his invisible arms more tightly as he sat her down. “I love you.”

And then when he was gone she added, “I miss you.” Before dissolving into tears.

* * *

Lina had gone into the remembrance planning to retain some sense of composure. But as soon as she walked into the room, dressed in black, and saw Amelia, Zelgadis, Sylphiel and Prince Phil there all looking mournful and concerned, her resolve started to waver. And once Amelia started her opening remarks about the noble knight who had helped to save Seyruun and was devoted to his sorceress, Lina was alarmed to feel tears streaming down her cheeks. It was all so over the top and melodramatic and so Amelia, but it also heralded that start of the final goodbye. 

Of all people, it was Sylphiel who noticed her tears and reached out a comforting hand to her. Lina felt a strange sense of guilt well up within her. Sylphiel had loved Gourry too, and Lina hadn’t even given her the option of saying goodbye, hadn’t even told her about Gourry’s ghost. Would Sylphiel ask to talk to him if she knew? Lina didn’t want to find out. But then, it also felt like she was denying the consolation prize to the loser.

“Why don’t we start with how we all met Mr. Gourry?” Amelia said, snapping Lina out of her thoughts as she rubbed her other shoulder. “Miss Sylphiel, you knew him the longest.”

Sylphiel started the story, and Lina was intrigued to learn a new chapter in the life of her long term traveling companion. Then it was her turn to talk about how she had met him, followed by Zelgadis. She found she could still laugh when it was Amelia’s turn and she confessed that she had asked Gourry if he worked in a pet shop. And then laughter returned when they moved on to talking about their favorite Gourry moment and the group shared their memories of dressing him up as a girl or some stupid, clueless thing he would say. But the levity vanished when Amelia shared her favorite memory, “Well, I guess for me, it was when the Lord of Nightmares said Miss Lina was gone. And Mr. Gourry was not having it! And he proudly declared that he had no clue what was going on, but he was going to get Lina back, and so he went dashing off into Chaos and did!”

Lina smiled at first. The she dissolved into tears. She could talk to him till she was blue in the face, but she still couldn’t tear through the veil that separated them and bring him back! She couldn’t do for him what he had done for her! Sylphiel and Amelia both huddled around her, and Lina was horrified at her public display of grief.

“You’ve been holding it back, staying stuck.” Amelia whispered, as if picking up on Lina’s mortification, “You need to let it out and acknowledge it. I-I think we all need to talk about what we will miss most about Mr. Gourry now.”

“Companionship.” Zelgadis said without hesitation. “He was a great friend to have. Very loyal. You knew where he stood, and as long as you were on the right path, he’d have your back.”

Everyone nodded in agreement as Phil picked up, “And he always knew how to diffuse a tense situation with a joke. That’s what I will miss.”

Lina was lying with her head against Amelia’s shoulder as Sylphiel patted her back. The other woman said, “His nobility. I loved that about him. He did the right thing because it was the right thing. We need more people like him in this world.”

Amelia was quiet for a moment, and then she said, “I’m going to miss knowing my best friend is being well looked after.”

Lina squeezed her eyes shut as she felt everyone’s attention shift to her. Goodness, what was she going to miss? What _wasn’t_ she going to miss? “Everything.” Lina said, her voice rough and weary. Amelia squeezed her tightly.

Amelia smiled sadly, “There’s not a lot I can add to that. Farewell gallant knight, you will be missed.”

Everyone muttered an agreement, and then the group finally broke up, with everyone stopping to offer their condolences to Lina. Lina reflected that while she was not technically a widow, for all intents as purposes, she fulfilled that role. As Sylphiel stopped she said, “Don’t worry about taking me to his grave. It was selfish of me to ask. Take care of yourself.”

She left before Lina could say anything. Lina got up but stared at Amelia’s coffee table. Amelia and Zelgadis exchanged a look. Zelgadis walked up to Lina and put a hand on her shoulder, “I wish there was something I could say to make this right.”

Lina nodded, “Me too.”

“I’ll see you around.” 

When he left, Lina turned to look at Amelia, who was rearranging the cushions in her apartments. “Can I show you something?”

Amelia looked at her, curious, “Yes.”

“Lock the door.” Lina said as she set the bag on Amelia’s coffee table.

Amelia did, “What is it?”

“I didn’t want to say anything in front of Sylphiel. But that idiot had some talents he didn’t let anyone know about.” Lina opened the bag and started to take out the carvings. Amelia gasped as she saw them.

“Mr. Gourry made these?”

Lina nodded as Amelia picked up one that showed Lina wearing a sun dress. “Oh Miss Lina. What a wonderful gift he left you.”

Lina’s smile was bittersweet as she brushed her fingers over her favorite carving. “It’s no substitute for him.”

“No, of course not.”

Lina squeezed the carving to her chest, “I’ve been talking to his ghost.”

“I know.” Amelia said quietly. “I didn’t want to say anything when we found out because I didn’t want to give you any ideas, but you found out on your own. Miss Sylphiel told me she suspected that you were…haunted by his ghost. Mr. Zelgadis told me what he saw that day he returned to Seyruun.”

Lina felt the tears spill down her cheeks and she couldn’t think of anything to say as Amelia touched her arm. “When was the last time you ate?”

“What does it matter?” Lina asked.

“You’re losing weight. Your face is becoming hollow, your eyes sunken. How much time do you spend talking to him?”

“Every minute I can spare.”

“So you’re spending most of your time now trying to kill yourself to talk to him?” Amelia said, and the way she put it slapped Lina in the face with the brutality of what she was doing to herself.

Lina gasped as Amelia grabbed her shoulders, “This isn’t a natural state for you or Mr. Gourry to be in. People as in tune as you two shouldn’t live apart. That’s why death isn’t the end for you the way it is for others. When this happens it’s a complete travesty of justice. It’s never easy when a lover dies, but in your case, it’s going to be harder. I didn’t want to say anything, because I didn’t want to influence you, but perhaps I should have warned you.”

“What makes you think I would have listened?” Lina asked, trying to summon a bit of bravado and failing. She sighed, “I think I had to find out the hard way why this is a bad thing.”

Amelia patted her shoulder, “You need to take care of yourself. Every time you pull him to this world, you pull yourself closer to death. All of us will eventually cross over to the next life, but there’s no ticket back to this one. It’s not fair or right, but the more you try to see him, the more unbalanced the world becomes as you pull him into it, and the more it will try to push you to the next to compensate. That’s why you haven’t been eating. It’s not unusual for the surviving lover in such a situation to waste away.”

Lina looked at her, horrified. Amelia returned her gaze, her eyes brimming with sympathy, and pulled her into a hug, “I would exorcise him, but since you are so tuned to him, I can’t exorcise him without harming your astral body. The few times it’s been tried to remaining lover’s mind was lost in the process.”

Lina saw red. “I don’t need you to exorcise him, like he’s not wanted!” Lina spat as she pushed Amelia away from her. “I’m strong enough to do this without your help!”

Amelia’s gaze became steely as she stared Lina down. “Then prove it.” Amelia rang the bell mounted on her wall, “I’m going to order some food, and you are going to eat.”

* * *

It had been a long, agonizing journey. But at last Lina, with Amelia beside her, stood on her parents’ doorstep, and mentally prepped herself for going in. And then explaining. She had always thought her homecoming would be joyous and celebrated, that she would be going home basking in her accomplishments, eager to show off her handsome protector. Instead she was coming home grief stricken and defeated.

But she had made good on her promise to no longer summon him. And he, in turn, had made good on his word to hold back when she was attacked. While she still caught the whiff of oak, he didn’t actively intervene. It was hard. And it killed the joy and solace she used to find in tormenting bandits. It destroyed her love of traveling on the road. But bitterly and painstakingly, she was moving on.

One grueling day after another.

Lina took a deep breath and pushed the door open. “I’m home.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, now's the time to mention that I start out a lot of fanfics in the anime continuity unsure if Revo/Evo took place and make a decision when the plot absolutely calls for it. So in this case, Prime through TRY took place, that's all.

Amelia was right about one thing. Two years after Gourry’s death, and still nothing felt right. Lina kept waiting for when she would feel happier, when she wouldn’t miss him as much, when the temptation to contact him would wane, when she wouldn’t be just so bored in Zefiel City. When she could have a slow day without feeling as though she was going out of her mind. But that day seemed as elusive as ever.

The door chimed, and Lina hoped it was a customer. She desperately needed the distraction. And fortunately there was usually something to do at Zefiel City. And if there wasn’t, her family would quickly rush in to fix that. Sure, it wasn’t seeing exotic locations or sorting treasure. It was inventory and dirty dishes. But it kept her distracted. And at least she hadn’t been attacked or endangered since coming home, meaning she’d not encountered his ghost for the past two years. But Lina was powerful, and she was used to using that power to get what she wanted. To have to abstain from using her power for so long, to give up what she wanted most, was wearing.

And, now that she was approaching the second anniversary of his death, she couldn’t escape the thought, “Just one time a year won’t be so bad. Just once a year to mark the day he died. I could handle myself. It wouldn’t be too bad.”

But she feared if she did that, a yearly anniversary would become monthly, and then weekly, until she was once again consumed with him. And Amelia was right. She couldn’t live like that. And Gourry didn’t want that for her. So, even though it was hard, she pushed relentlessly forward.

And for the moment, that meant focusing on the young mercenary who walked in. The young, tall mercenary. Lina felt her face heat as she watched him, and then recognized with a jolt that she was feeling a sense of attraction. Fear followed, and she suddenly wished that he would just leave. One thing she was certain of was that she never wanted to fall in love again. For one thing, if she and Gourry had been so attuned, how could any other relationship compare? For another, if she fell in love she risked opening herself up to this kind of pain again. And she never wanted to grieve like this for another person.

And besides all that, even if she wasn’t in danger, she could feel Gourry’s presence constantly in the back of her mind. It made the thought of letting him go completely rather agonizing.

The mercenary ran a hand through his long, auburn mane, though, and Lina felt a stir of emotion rush through her. She was suddenly aware of Luna’s gaze upon her, and Lina turned to glare at her. As always, Luna remained unfazed as she smiled knowingly at Lina, who felt her stomach sink as Luna casually walked up to the mercenary and said, “If you have any questions about the goods, ask my sister, Lina. She’s in charge of inventory.”

Lina felt her face heat, along with a desire to kill her sister. The mercenary smiled and set some supplies on the counter. “She looks like she knows how to pick items of high quality.”

“That’s because we want our customers to come back.” Luna said.

“I’m sure he’ll remember us the next time he stops by Zefiel City.” Lina said snarkily as she started tallying the items. 

“Oh, I’m planning to settle here.” He said with a smile. “Just got a job arranged as a royal bodyguard.”

There was a gentleness to his smile that caused all sorts of confused feelings to mix within Lina that resulted in her losing track of the tally. “What made you decide to settle here?” she asked, hoping her voice was steady.

“I like grapes.”

Lina shut her eyes as pain welled within her head. It sounded like something Gourry would say.

“Are you all right?”

“Fine.” She said quickly, “That will be twenty.”

“Usually I’d haggle you down to ten.” He said, “But you’re cute, so why don’t we call it even at sixteen?”

Lina grew even redder, “D-done.”

Lina heard her parents come in from the house and was very aware of their interest in her activities as the mercenary said, “I’m Brian by the way.”

“Lina.” She said, and then she felt like an idiot as she remembered her sister had already introduced her.

“I’ve heard that there’s going to be a dance tonight.” He said. “Care to join me?”

Lina felt she would be torn by the extreme ends of the emotions she was feeling. “I can’t.” she choked.

He looked a bit disappointed as he took the coins from his wallet, “Oh.”

She suddenly felt an unusual desire to spare his feelings. Which, to her chagrin, meant she cared about what he was feeling. “Look, I lost someone important to me. And I’m just not ready to date or anything yet.” She said, before hurriedly adding, “Or ever.” 

He smiled softly, “I’m sorry to hear that happened to you. Take all the time you need. And if you change your mind, I’ll still be in town.”

Lina breathed a huge sigh of relief as he left and the guilt started to consume her. Lina knew it was irrational. Gourry had been dead for two years! But she couldn’t help but feel that she was betraying him. Especially since, in a sense, he had never truly left her. With a shaky voice she said, “Sis, watch the shop for me.”

And then she ran up the stairs and to her room, followed closely by her sister, who had ignored her request. “You need to go to that dance with him.” Luna said.

But Lina felt as though she was going to hurl. “I can’t. I’m not ready.”

“It’s been two years. That’s more than enough time! You have to keep pushing yourself forward.” Luna said.

“I said I’m not ready!” Lina screamed.

“Knock it off, Luna.” Their mother said as she followed them up the stairs, “Push her before she’s ready and you could end up…”

An explosion sounded, loud enough to shake the house and cause the three of them to grab the wall for support. Once the vibrations quieted, the three women ran to Lina’s window and saw a large dust cloud and flashing lights. Lina climbed out of her window and started a levitation spell, followed by her mother and sister. When they got to the source of the commotion at the edge of the town and close to the steep cliffs that bordered Zefiel City, they found that a group of trolls were attacking the city. 

Luna jumped into the fray, kitchen knife in hand, while Lina targeted a particularly nasty looking troll. Lina briefly paused as the scent of oak tickled her nose. He was with her. She pushed her feelings down as she dodged when the troll swung his mace at her, all the while cursing the fact the she didn’t have her amulets on as she was wearing civilian clothing. But there was no use fretting over that when there was an enemy to take down.

“Need a hand?” someone asked, and Lina barely glanced behind her to see Brian, sword raised. 

“Unless that’s a magic sword or you’re good enough to lop its head off you’d better sit this out.” Lina snapped as she grabbed her sword (she still kept that on her person) and lodged it into the troll’s torso. “MONO VOLT!”

The horrid scent of burnt trolls singed her nostrils, driving away the pleasant smell of oak. Lina pulled her sword from the troll’s carcass and registered that Brian was taking on another troll. Lina sighed, and was about to yell at him for not heeding her advice when Brian managed to cut the troll’s head off in one smooth motion. Lina let out a low whistle, “Not bad.”

“Speak for yourself.” Brian said. “Looks like you’re a sorceress.”

“Was.” Lina said as the area between her shoulders grew taunt as she heard a horrendous cracking sound.

Someone screamed, “Avalanche!”

It all happened so fast. Lina had only just turned around to see a cloud of rock and debris coming so quickly that there was no way she would have been able to outrun it. She managed to throw herself on the ground and put her arms over her neck and waited. But she never felt the crush of the rocks. She did smell oak once more.

“What…how?” Brian asked.

Lina squeezed her eyes shut and slowly got up and found that the debris was being suspended in air by an invisible force field. But Lina knew exactly who was doing it. She felt tears choke her vision as she whispered, “Gourry.”

Lina felt a hand on her arm, and turned to see that her mother had come up behind her. “Run.”

Lina felt the progress she had made during the past few years slip away as his presence asserted itself fully in her life once more. She turned from her mother back to where Gourry was. “I’ve missed you so much.” She said.

Her mother yanked on her arm, pulling her from the suspended rock slide, but Lina pulled right back to it. “I said run!” her mother yelled.

But Lina did not want to leave or say goodbye again. She had thought, after all this time, it would be easier to let him go. But all she wanted was to talk to him, fill him in on what she’d been doing, reminiscence about just how much she missed their life together. Hell, introduce him to her folks. It was like catching a glimpse of an old friend and being denied the chance to say hi. She felt cheated. “He wanted to meet you so badly, Mom. I wish it had happened when he was still alive.”

Her father arrived then, “Help me!” her mother appealed, and together they dragged her screaming and cursing from the landslide.

Once she was gone, the barrier vanished, and while he had bought enough time for all of the humans in the vicinity to clear out, the houses under the cliff were completely destroyed.

* * *

Lina lay on her bed, despondent. On her nightstand was her favorite carving, the one with the love knots. The others were strewn across her bed. Most of the time she kept them put up. But as soon as she’d gotten home she’d gotten them out. It was the closest she could come to being surrounded by him when she wasn’t hurling herself from heights or fighting trolls. Her mother was just down the hall, and Lina knew she was keeping a careful ear out. The temptation to escape from her window to fly to an isolated place and cancel a levitation spell was never greater. Almost. She had almost gotten to talk to him today.

She squeezed her eyes shut as the pain washed over her. What was the point in putting all of this effort into moving forward when it could be undone in an instant on a day like this?

Lina heard her sister’s footsteps on the stairs, followed by a knock on the door. “Go away.” Lina spat.

Luna opened the door, walked in, and shut it. “You have to move forward with Brian.”

Lina closed her eyes. She’d forgotten about him. What would Gourry say if he knew she’d met someone and felt a sense of attraction? Had he noticed Brian today? Damn, she wanted to talk to Gourry so bad!

“A new romance will distract you from an old one.”

Lina felt her anger boil over as she jumped to her feet and felt her hands clench into fists, “I can’t replace Gourry with Brian! It doesn’t work like that! How can you even suggest that!?”

“Then you need to start having babies.”

Lina stopped in her tracks. “What?”

“Having babies will keep you busy, and you’ll be so in love with them that even if Brian can’t be everything that Gourry was to you, the babies will make up for it.”

“That seems like a bum deal for the babies.” Lina quipped as she looked out the window, completely nauseated by what her sister was suggesting. What she didn’t add was that if losing Gourry had hurt her this much, she couldn’t imagine taking the risk of having a child and losing it.

And besides, the world didn’t feel safe. The trolls attacking a city as large as Zefiel City was unusual. Lina could only remember one other time when that had happened. Perhaps there was a reason that nothing felt right, and it wasn’t just that Gourry wasn’t in the world anymore.

Luna folded her arms across her chest. “You’re thinking of going and talking to him.”

Lina nodded. Luna grabbed her hand, “Come on. We’re going to that dance. You’re going to talk to a man who is living.”

“Sis, stop!” Lina yelled, “Can’t you sense it?”

Luna turned and looked at her. Lina shook her head, “Trolls attacking. The weather has been strange. And things just don’t feel right. Shabranigdo has been reborn again, hasn’t he?”

“If he has,” Luna said carefully, “You’re in no state to fight him like you once were.”

Lina bristled, “You think?”

Luna grabbed her hand and pulled her to the door, “You need to find the joy in life again before you can go off to war. And that means, you’re going to that dance.”

* * *

For the first time since Gourry had died, Lina had genuinely enjoyed herself. The dance hall was filled with other young people eager to shake off the anxiety following the troll attack. There was plenty to talk about and plenty of people to distract her from the person she was missing. And then there was the dancing itself.

And it seemed that Brian, like a lot of the talented swordsmen Lina knew, was a good dancer. Once she got over her initial hesitation and irrational feeling that Gourry was still with her, even though she was not in danger and couldn’t smell oak, she was surprised by just how much fun she had. She’d even allowed Brian to walk her home and found herself giddy with an excitement she thought she’d never feel again before she raced to her room and broke down under the weight of the guilt that erupted once Brian left and there was nothing to take her mind off Gourry. Fortunately if her family had heard her crying, they left her alone.

When Lina woke up the next morning, she was surprised to smell a whiff of oak. Her heart seemed to still as she listened carefully. Already, the city was coming to life, and she tried to separate the usual busy noises from those that indicated danger. She thought she might have heard something like a thunk, but when she went to her window to check she saw nothing. But still, she smelled oak and she couldn’t shake the feeling that Gourry was there. Was she imagining things because she felt guilty about moving on? Or was he really there?

Lina eventually dressed and sullenly went downstairs to open the shop, lost in the complexity of her conflicting feelings as she swept the floors. She was dimly aware of Luna coming into the shop, and she hoped her sister would be silent for once. “Do you hear that?” Luna asked.

“Huh?” Lina said.

And then the smell of oak intensified, and an instinct told her to duck. She threw her arms over her face to protect herself. But she didn’t need to. As the westward wall of their shop exploded, once again, her ghost had intervened to protect her. It was too late for the wall, though. “Damn!” Luna exclaimed as she looked at the wreckage, “We would have been killed.”

“Let’s not squander this, then!” Lina said as she readied her arms to defend herself against the demon horde that was approaching from the street, ready to storm the store.

The hordes of demons were so thick that her ghost had no choice not only to make an appearance, but to fight beside her. And, even though it had been two years, she fell into the rhythm as though it was yesterday. He defended her, buying her the time she needed to chant her spells and launch the offense. And she needed the extra help. The demons seemed to fixate on her as they attacked, leaving the other villagers alone. She found herself shouting words of encouragement to him, but he remained silent. She yearned to hear his voice, but at least once again it was her and him, facing down their enemies on the battlefield. And for once, even if Shabranigdo was reborn, the world felt right.

But all too soon the final demon was felled, and Lina shut her eyes tight to brace herself for the moment when the smell of oak would vanish…

* * *

“Are you still there?” Lina asked quietly as she searched the wreckage of the city block for wounded. The smell of oak was still strong. Was she imagining it? Or was Gourry still there?

There was no answer. Lina felt her frustration boil even as her eyes zeroed in on an arm sticking out through the debris. She walked to it and started to dig the man out, venting her anger on the detritus as she tore through it. “If you are here I could really use a hand! This is heavy and I’m just not built for hard labor!” Lina complained, and then her rant lost its steam as she recognized the wounded man.

“Brian?” she whispered and moved to feel for a pulse. He was alive, but one look at him told her he needed much more than a recovery spell. “I’m going to find a healer.”

Lina raced to where they had set up a makeshift hospital and wondered how she hadn’t noticed him. He hadn’t been that far from her parents’ store. Lina was usually so aware of who was in the vicinity and what they were doing. Keeping tabs on the action helped to keep her alive. But how had she not noticed Brian there?

She felt sick to her stomach with the thought that she had allowed herself to get so caught up in her old glory days with her dead lover that she hadn’t even noticed the living man who needed her help.

* * *

“Do you need anything to drink?” Lina asked as she helped Brian to get into bed. His apartment was a tiny one room bachelor pad in the barracks and close to the palace.

“I’m fine.” He said as he settled in. 

Lina did her best to ignore the smell of oak, which seemed to wax and wane randomly throughout the day, as she pulled up the sole wooden chair in the room and sat down, “A bit of rest and you should be good to go in no time.”

He laughed. Lina scowled, “What’s so funny?”

He shook his head, “Well, considering all I’ve heard about you, I just figured you wouldn’t be the type to fuss over a wounded mercenary.”

Lina bristled, “You shouldn’t believe everything you hear.”

“Fair enough. So, did you really defeat Shabranigdo?”

“I did.” Lina said as her eyes creased with anxiety. If he had been reborn again, what the hell was she doing here when there was a battle to be waged? But then, she had never exactly gone looking for a fight. The fight had found her.

“What is it?” Brian asked.

“It’s a lot more than I want to explain right now.” Lina snapped, “Besides, you need your rest.”

“If I offended you…” he started.

Lina raised her hand and sighed. Once again she felt the alarming urge to spare his feelings. Why had she never felt the urge to spare Gourry’s? “Look, the troll attacks yesterday, the demon attacks today. This feeling I have in my gut. Shabranigdo has been reborn again. And part of me is itching to go and bury him.”

“Why aren’t you?”

Lina frowned, “Last time I defeated him I had some help that I don’t have now. And a magic sword, and I was able to combine the sword and a spell to use against him. And I don’t have that sword or that friend anymore. I have a few ideas I could try, and they might work, but as my sister said, I might be fighting for all the wrong reasons, too.”

Lina rubbed her knees, “That’s what really holds me back. She doesn’t think it would be good for me to go out given the circumstances.”

“That you no longer have the sword?” he asked.

Lina shook her head, “That I no longer have the friend.”

“You can make new friends.” He said.

For a brief moment Lina wondered how the hell to break to a potential love interest that her dead paramour was haunting her and would come spiraling back into her life whenever it was in jeopardy. And that, for some reason, Lina was fairly sure his ghost was still hanging around even though she wasn’t actively under attack at the moment. But those thoughts were driven from her mind as Brian reached for her hand. 

Her first thought was that the touch was nice. But then followed the guilt, the certainty that even though Gourry wasn’t saying anything, he was watching, the fact that it was so hard to move on when her past was persistently clinging to her! 

“I can’t!” she said as she pulled away as if scalded.

“Lina…”

She stood up, “I’m going to get you that glass of water now. I’ll be back in a minute.”

She flew towards the door and out of the barracks and headed for the woods. Once she got to a point where she was certain no one would hear she said, “I know you’re there. And you’d better start talking!”

For a brief moment she feared he wouldn’t respond. But she felt the whisper of his presence beside her. “For what it’s worth, it’s okay. I want you to move on. I mean, you can’t mourn me forever, can you?”

“Don’t tell me this is easy for you to watch.” Lina said.

He was silent for a moment, “Well, no. But I can’t really do much about that since I am here.”

“Why are you here right now anyway? I mean, I’m not under attack.” Lina said before hastily adding, “Not that I don’t want to talk to you. Damn, all I’ve wanted to do these past two years was to talk to you.”

“Two years?” he asked in awe.

Lina nodded solemnly, “But why have the rules changed?”

“They haven’t.” he explained, “You’re being tracked.” 

“And you didn’t share this with me because?” Lina asked.

“I’m on it.”

“Who’s tracking me?”

“Not who.” He said, “Who all.”

Lina felt her stomach sink as he added, “I’ve been scaring people off your trail since this morning. A hodgepodge of assassins, and then there was the demon horde from this morning.” 

“Am I being targeted because I’m the only person who has taken down Shabranigdo?”

“Well, your guess is as good as mine there.”

Lina sighed as she leaned against the tree. “I guess I was finding retirement boring anyway.”

“Lina…”

“I’ve got some ends to wrap up. The it’s off on the road again.”

He said nothing as she started to make her way back to the barracks while Lina marveled at the horrible timing. But she simply could not stay in Zefiel City if she was being targeted. Too many people she cared about could be hurt or killed. She wondered if she just had the rottenest luck in the universe or if the simple fact that she was really good at killing Mazokus was responsible for this obstacle in the path. Was her plan for a quiet life in Zefiel City doomed from the start? Was her life going to be an endless ticking time bomb from one major villain to the next? Or could she have found a way to move on and live a peaceful, quiet life?

But one thing Lina was certain of was that, even as a ghost, if Gourry was with her constantly once again she just couldn’t ignore him.

* * *

Lina had almost gotten to the barracks when she felt a tingling sensation on her neck. She drew her sword and turned just in time to meet the assassin, dressed in black. “Is it my imagination, or does someone want me dead?” Lina asked.

The assassin smiled, “You should know a lot of people still have you on their hit list, Lina Inverse.”

But before the assassin could make another move against her, Gourry grabbed him by the arms and twisted them behind his back. “What!” The assassin screeched.

“Who hired you?” Lina asked as she folded her arms across her chest, dimly aware that someone was coming from the barracks to investigate. Of course it was Brian.

The assassin grunted as he tried to break free of Gourry’s hold but ended up looking rather silly as he thrashed against an invisible enemy. Lina got out her knife and put it to the assassin’s throat, “Look, I’ve had a rough day, well, week really. Okay, to be brutally honest, these past two years have been hell, and I’d really like nothing more than to beat you to a pulp. So if you don’t want to tell me who hired you, fine, I’ll just vent out some of my frustration out on you till you change your mind. But if you tell me, I guess I’ll have to let you go with a scratch on you. So, which one will it be?”

“How are you doing this?” the assassin asked as he struggled in vain against Gourry.

Lina smiled, “Time to get violent.”

Suddenly the assassin gagged as his mouth was pried open, and a pill flew from his mouth. “What the hell?” he said.

“A suicide pill?” Lina asked, and then she sighed. If he was ready to die for the cause, there was little she was going to get out of him. She knocked him out with a swift uppercut and then she knelt down, and gave an apologetic look to Brian who was watching her in disbelief. “You have any rope?”

“How did you do that?” he asked.

Lina smiled wryly. “Brian, meet Gourry. Gourry, say ‘hi.’”

Brian stared at her as though she were insane while Gourry remained silent. Lina turned red, “Dammit Gourry, the least you could do is not add to the impression that I’m crazy!”

“But Lina, I’m dead, so I’m trying to do as little as possible!”

“Shabranigdo is reborn, I’m under threat, and since you’re still here you’re going to make yourself useful!” Lina snapped.

“What the hell?” Brian asked as he looked between Lina and where Gourry’s voice was coming from.

Lina smiled wryly, “Gourry was the friend I lost. Well, he was a bit more than a friend. He liked me so much that even dead he’s come back to haunt me. Usually it’s just when I’m in danger, but with the Dark Lord reborn, it looks like I’m constantly in danger, so I just can’t get rid of him you see.”

Brian stared at her in disbelief as Lina nodded and dropped the swagger, “Look, I know what you’re thinking. It’s kind of hard to get with a girl when her dead lover will randomly come barreling back into her life when you least expect it. Anyway, I’ll take this man down to the jail.” 

“You need some help?” Brian asked.

“I got it.” Lina said as Gourry lifted the assassin. She started to walk off with her ghost, leaving Brian gaping at her in disbelief. Lina sighed as the guilt tugged at her mind, “No hard feelings, okay?”

* * *

“I don’t like this.” Lina’s mother said as Lina frantically packed her bags.

“What, that Shabranigdo has been reborn, or that I’m leaving to fight him?” Lina snapped as she threw another pair of socks into her sack.

“How can you know for sure he’s been reborn?”

“Let’s see.” Lina said, “Strange weather, demon uprisings, assassins, and come on Mom. I’m sure you feel that something isn’t right.”

The older woman bit her lip. “You’re grieving, and you still haven’t recovered from…”

Lina slammed her fist on the wall, “Who else do you know who has taken down a seventh of Shabranigdo?”

Her mother looked chastened, “I’m sorry. But I have a bad feeling that if you go to fight him this time you won’t come back!”

Lina sighed and then she went up and hugged her, “I’ll come back. Still don’t have a death wish. That’s why I have to fight him. He’s likely on his way to the Kataart Mountains right now to revive the Demon Lord of the North. I can’t let that happen.”

Her mother nodded, “Just be careful.”

“You know me!” Lina said.

“That’s why she worries.” Her father said as he came into the room.

“Hey!”

“I smell oak.” He said.

Lina has a defense prepared. “I had the carvings out.”

He stared at her piercingly and then said, “For someone marching off to fight Shabranigdo you seem rather jubilant.”

“I wasn’t ready to retire from the road.” Lina said dismissively.

He handed her a sandwich. “Eat.”

Lina took a bite, “Nothing wrong with my appetite.” She said, though in truth it was strangely difficult to eat, “Thanks, though!”

She forced herself to eat the sandwich as he asked. “How are you going to deal with it when you see him again?”

“I never think that far ahead.” Lina said dismissively, wanting nothing more than to end the conversation. “Anyway, I’m all packed up, and the road awaits.”

Her parents followed her down the stairs, where she encountered her third obstacle. Luna. Lina was very aware of her parents’ gaze on Luna who, as always, wore an inscrutable expression. “You going to join this fight?” Lina asked.

“I think I’ll let you do what you do best.” Luna said, and Lina felt a twang of guilt rush through her as her mother started to cry.

But overall Lina was relieved. “How serious were you about wanting me to have babies?”

“I think,” Luna said carefully, “That perhaps we might have been going about things the wrong way. And I’m sure that you can figure out how to turn something you’re cursed with into a strength.”

Lina’s eyes widened in surprise as Luna handed her a bag of food, “I never thought I’d have to tell you this, but make sure you eat.”

* * *

It wasn’t until they were on the outskirts of Zefiel City that Lina said to her invisible companion, “Just like old times.”

“But what are you going to do this time, Lina?” Gourry asked. “I mean, the Sword of Light has gone to its home, and…”

“Tut tut,” Lina said. “What’s the point of making a plan? Because since when does life ever go according to plan? I mean really, I was supposed to go home and have babies to get over you. And now look what’s happened.”

He put his hand on her head, and Lina closed her eyes at his touch, relishing it. It had never felt right being at home, playing house and keeping shop. She was a warrior, a fighter, and adventuress. She hadn’t just given up a lover when Gourry had died, she had given up a lifestyle. And, dire as the situation was, she was glad to reconnect with the person she felt comfortable being.

“What are you going to do after you defeat him?” he asked. “I mean, you won’t constantly be in danger, and I’ll go back to…”

“Hush.” She said, “Let’s take it as it comes.”

“Are you going to come back and try again with Brian?”

“No.” Lina said. “Even when you aren’t here, you are. In the back of my mind. Constantly. I can be with you and not feel like I’m double timing someone. But if I’m with Brian, or I guess any other man, it just feels wrong. Because you’ve never really left me. And, perhaps given enough time I could get over it, but I don't think there's a man patient enough to put up for the shit I'd put him through during the process.”

“I kind of feel bad…”

“What, for dying? You got the bum end of the deal. I still get to live my life. So what if it doesn’t have a man in it? Well, a living one at least. There’s more to life than that.”

“Fair enough.” Gourry said after a moment, “Just make sure you eat and keep your strength up.”

Lina laughed, and pulled an apple from her sack and bit into it. “Tasty!”


	5. Chapter 5

“Well, I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.” Lina said as she tossed an apple in her hands without eating it.

“But Lina, what does it mean?” Gourry asked as she stared at the small camp, composed of a few tents and structures that the colonists were starting to erect.

“It looks like we’ve done a good job of killing Mazoku if these woods are now quiet enough that humans would want to settle in the Kataart Mountains.” Lina explained, and then she erupted into a prolonged coughing fit. Finally she quieted and drew a long, wheezy breath.

“If that’s the case, then why am I still here?” he asked.

Lina laughed wryly, “Take your pick of explanation. Either after how long we’ve been together we wore the boundary between the world of the living and the world of the dead thin. Or maybe it’s not as safe here as they think. Or perhaps…” She smiled tiredly, “Perhaps I’m at the age when I’m perpetually walking in the shadow of death, wherever I am.”

He was silent for a minute as he caressed her hair, and then he reminded her, “You still haven’t eaten that apple.”

“Damn.” She said as she stared at the fruit in her hands.

“Focus.”

It was a routine they knew well. One that had started when they realized on their way to confront Shabranigdo that Lina would often grab food to eat it but sometime between grabbing it and bringing it to her mouth she would stop and do something other than eat. She spent an embarrassing amount of time having Gourry coaching her through the process of eating. And even with all that effort, by the time they met up with the army of golden dragons and elves that had gathered to fight Shabranigdo, Lina had become so emaciated and her features so haunted that at first Milgasea had not recognized her.

But while Lina had to fight to live, the fact that she didn’t actively have to attempt to harm herself to see him made surviving easier for her. She could eat with him beside her. She could sleep, surrounded by his presence. And once again, she had him for companionship. And there were benefits to being haunted by Gourry’s ghost. For one, it was hard for any enemy to harm her. In death, Gourry’s ability to protect her had improved markedly. 

The second benefit was something they had discovered on accident when Lina had been attacked by an assassin on the way up to the Kataart Mountains. One of her spells, the Burst Flare, had accidently torn through the area where Gourry’s ghost was. And amazingly, something about channeling the spell through him had amplified it. Lina quickly got used to channeling fire magic spells through him, though she didn’t dare try Shamanist spirit spells such as the Elmekia Lance and the Ra Tilt for fear of destroying his astral body.

And, when they did confront Shabranigdo on the battlefield for the second time, Lina was confronted once again with the decision over whether or not the use the Giga Slave. And after Shabranigdo took down fifty golden dragons with one fell swoop, Lina decided she had little choice. The situation was that desperate and called for that spell. Gourry had agreed, and had even asked her to amplify it through him. And while she was worried about the effects of channeling it through Gourry (would it destroy him?), she knew she needed to do whatever she could to make it as strong as possible.

Fortunately, it was enough. When the dust cleared, Lina watched as Shabranigdo turned into a white grey sand. Victory was once again hers.

But the smell of oak did not vanish when Shabranigdo was destroyed. Gourry was still with her. Lina quickly deduced that their proximity to the most treacherous part of the Kataart Mountains was the reason. Rumor had it that it was overrun with Mazoku, there to guard the Demon Lord of the North as he slept encased in ice. In short, no one living was safe there.

Lina had sat for hours after Shabranigdo was destroyed, had turned Milgasea and the other fighters down when they offered to buy her a drink to celebrate. She had had a lot to think about.

Should she go home, say goodbye to her ghost again and try to start a life back in Zefiel City? Or should she stay and fight in the Kataart Mountains?

She had thought about how, if she went home, she wouldn’t have to struggle to eat anymore. Or deal with the distressing thoughts that would pop up in her head over how it would be better if she just died. She knew those thoughts were the result of living with a dead man day in and day in. In some horrible ways, moving on would be a relief.

But she wasn’t so sure she would be allowed to. While the Mazoku race might leave her alone as they had bloodied their noses enough and might have wanted to retreat until she was safely dead, Lina didn’t want to count on it. Because the thought of going home, of saying goodbye to Gourry again, and moving on only to be targeted again by the Mazoku race in another two years and to have to start the process over again was unendurable.

Besides. She was good at killing Mazoku. It hadn’t ever been something she had set out to do. But she had risen to the challenge. And considering that Lina was finally making progress in this endless war, it didn’t feel right to sit on her butt back home in Zefiel City when there was work still to do. She had to plow on ahead while she had the advantage. She had to destroy as many Mazoku as possible before she died.

Especially when she had a ghost who would protect her. And because of that, they were an even stronger team than when he was alive.

So when Lina finally got up after defeating Shabranigdo for the second time, she walked straight into the darkest part of the Kataart Mountains.

Years had passed. Lina wasn’t sure how many. She had lost track of time, lost track of humanity. There was her ghost, the struggle to eat, the battling against her newfound death wish, and the fight against the Mazoku. And she had killed many of them. Countless Mazoku. Even powerful ones, such as Dynast Grausherra. 

So many, that human were now looking at the Kataart Mountains with a sense of potential Lina had never seen before. Lina thought and tried to remember when the last time she had encountered a Mazoku had been. But she couldn’t remember. Lately her energy had waned and she’d been spending more time resting in her camp site. Gourry could protect her from many things, but it seemed that age was not one of them.

“Lina.” Gourry said quietly, bringing her to the present, “To the east.”

She turned her gaze in the direction he indicated and stood a little straighter as she saw a child approach them. A young boy. Lina debated going deeper into the mountains, but it was too late. The little boy had obviously seen her and was waving. Lina frowned in a disapproving manner as he caught up to her, looking as though he had won a brass rackets tournament.

“But you’re her, aren’t you?” the boy asked as he smiled wide and revealed some missing teeth.

“Huh?” Lina said, taken aback.

“The haunted sorceress.” The boy explained. “The sorceress who roams these woods with a ghost to protect humanity.”

“You mean she’s famous?” Gourry asked.

The boy jumped back as his eyes widened, “Is that the ghost?”

“Well, you can’t see me anywhere, can you?” Gourry replied.

“Wow!” the boy said, “I can’t wait to tell everyone…”

“To go back to wherever you came from?” Lina snapped.

“Huh?” the boy said, looking slightly crestfallen at her harsh tone.

Lina scowled, “Look, this range may be safer than it was twenty years ago, but it’s still not a good place to live.”

“But you live here.” He said.

Lina smiled wryly, “In a sense.” She ran a hand through her hair, which now had not a hint of red in it, and sighed, “Besides. I’m old now. And I can only keep going for so much longer. And once I’m dead there will be nothing to keep the Mazoku from returning.”

“But Miss…”

But Lina had turned around and had started to walk away, coughing as she did. She could feel it in her bones that the end was nearing for her. “But Miss!” he insisted as he followed her, “Why don’t you come to our cabin? Mama will fix you some nice soup and you can rest and protect us some more.”

Lina’s temper flared. “I see. I devote my life to fighting these battles and it’s never enough.”

“Huh?” the boy asked, chastened.

Lina shook her head. “Perhaps you’ll understand one day. Should you and your folks pack up now and go somewhere safer. Goodbye.”

Finally, the boy stopped following her, and she made it back to camp with her ghost. By then Lina’s chest hurt so much that she didn’t think she could go on for much longer. Gourry waited until she had settled into her bedroll and her breathing had quieted a bit before asking, “Do you regret it?”

“What?” Lina asked tiredly.

“Going here to be with me. You could have had a life in Zefiel City.”

“I had a life here. Just a different one.” Lina replied.

“But you never saw your family or your friends again. You never got the chance to move on…”

“Shh.” She said, “What is this pity party? We did amazing things. We made this world a better place. Hopefully we bloodied the nose of the Mazoku race enough for it to never recover. I took a tragedy and did something useful with it. My life had a purpose, and it gave your death a purpose. And all because you continued to follow me from the grave.” She smiled tiredly despite the pain that rose in her chest with each breath, “Tonight, I think I may follow you.”

And indeed, neither the little boy nor any of the other colonists ever saw the haunted sorceress again. And as the years passed, the few facts known about her life withered under the weight of the legends that erupted about her, her ghost, and the founding of their town.


End file.
